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This journal entry was written a week ago but due to the laziness of Mr. Raven and his assorted staff members, it is now appearing in print a week late.
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Raven's Log
Stardate 2.19.04
In a car heading south on 1-75, milemarker 293 with my close personal friend, Glenn Gilbertti, who is, in clinical terms, "emotionally detached" and feels that the use of the word "personal" is redundant after the word "close."
This is a transcript of an interview I am conducting at the moment because Glenn was gonna do a guest commentary, but we realized that that would be dull. Plus, he was driving the car and could not write at the same time.
Raven: "Question #1: Why do you think you have never gotten over?"
Glenn: "I'm going to have to answer your question with a question. Could you please define "getting over" and "never?" to put my career in proper perspective because I would profess that at certain points in my career, I have actually been over which would discount your thesis that I have never gotten over."
Raven: "Obviously, millions would debate that point, but nevertheless, what do you feel was your shining moment in the business? Do you feel, as I do, that it was your loss to female wrestler Jackie in Memphis, or your subsequent refusal to job for her in WCW which resulted in you getting fired?"
Glenn: "Since my WCW career started with a portrayal of a drunken bunnygram in a cheesy DDP skit (which, of course, if it's DDP its cheesy, so that goes without saying) and ending with a loss to Jason Jett on Monday Nitro, I can't say that anything I did in the ring can be considered my defining moment. My personal defining moment came during a timeout at an Atlanta Hawks basketball game where I got to shoot a 3 pointer that missed, costing me 100 dollars to my friend Kenny. The beauty of this was that at the end of the skit, I got to clothesline the Atlanta Hawks mascot, my longtime personal nemesis as a season ticket holder, who I used to hurl profane epithets at during the games while growing up. Harry the Hawk, go f*** yourself."
Raven: "Would this be an even greater moment of joy for you than the next few booking suggestions I am about to list during your highly unsuccessful assistant booking reign. Those suggestions are:
a) that we should have an actual invisible man as a wrestler or
b) when you felt after seeing the movie Mars Attack (no "s" on the end of attack in homage to our mutual grammatically challenged Puerto Rican friend, Juan the bluedick), that we should have a Martian invasion on Nitro complete with Martian commentators, an intergalactic title belt and a run-in by Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise?"
Glenn: "Those 2 ideas are what I refer to as "brain checks." They were not meant to be taken seriously and I thought that most people would see the joke. Unfortunately, all but one person, my good friend Vince Russo, thought I was serrious. So my conclusion was that me and Vince were the 2 smartest people on the planet. In retrospect, it's interesting that people would discount a Martian invasion so easily when, if you actually did one on the show, it would be great groundwork for a Star Trek pay-per-view where William Shatner and Mr. Spock could actually battle the aliens in a ladder match. The potential buyrates would be out of this world because no one knows for sure with any certainty how many cable systems there are on Mars."
Thank you Mr. Gilbertti for your time. We are all dumber for having read this. I myself personally feel as if an anvil has dropped on my head, crushing my cerebellum and rendering my higher brain functions to mud.
Barely able to write my own name any longer.
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