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August 24, 2006

A Discourse with his Royal Bossness by your Esteemed Webmeister

i spoke with the Boss yesterday, and after much cajoling, i was able to ascertain, somewhat of a semblance of an official birthday list. he was his usual argumentative, gruff, semi-psychotic, overbearing, strikingly handsome self.

he stated that as a grown man he no longer celebrates the anniversary of his natal day with the same vim and vigor, and lack of personal hygiene that have charcterized many a birthday campaign. he feels that you, his semi-loyal subjects do not need to prove your worthiness, by gifting, or for some, re-gifting his royal Boss's'ness. he feels you have shown him admiration in so many other ways. you supported his thyroid and blood sugar battles,by mocking his weight gain, and calling him obese, slovenly,and blob-like. you stood your ground behind him on his hair color expeditions by ridiculing him for having no wartime hair dye-ing command skills, which if you gaze upon his flowing golden locks now, i believe you would be branded benedict arnolds and devouring brandon lee or heckyl and jekyll. {yes, you would be eating crow, and yessss, ugh.. i know, yes i know, heckyl and jeckyl are magpies, but c'mon they, them, uh.. the magpies in question, and crows, and ravens, are all one big happy dysfunctional bird family. you know speaking of bird families, has anyone else ever noticed that flamingo(scotty) is a bird and raven is a bird and polo(johnny) is a bird(chicken) in spanish, huh? have you ? anyone ... bueller?

.. anyone, huh? well maybe you're not so smart after all. maybe i am the smartest one of all. i am you know. i have a 143 iq, you simpleton moronic mouth breathers. i am the most brilliant man in the world....
bwahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha ack, thbptt, koff....koff koff, ow, crap... my throat hurts. note to self dont bwahahahahhahaha out loud.

my fingers hurt too. why isnt vic typing this, why do i gotta type my own damn fake birthday gift letter. damn dragon voice activated software i never hooked up. typing is for fucktards. aaarghh, okay, where was i , i mean where was vic. thats right he was gonna tell you assface buttmunches that i, i mean}(yes we just endquoted from about a mile up the page) the Boss had originally put blue in his dark brown hair to get that raven-ny bird look, but you couldnt see it when wet. unfortunately, you must go blonde first,before blue. blonde before blue except after c when followed by i or somesuch horseshit. so i, i mean the Boss decided he would go all blue-esque, but was unhappy with that. (oh lest i forget, he had had his hair japanese straightened prior to all of this, b/c he was tired of the curls). now any self respecting hairdresser, which his is, would have said, NO FUCKING WAY in the first place, but the Boss charmed the lovely ashley into continuing down this dark, dark road, or should i say light,light road as blonde was on the horizon. from blue he wanted white, like elijah snow in planetary, but she said even the Boss's inhuman, mutant hair, would be a barren wasteland, but he, in his own unstoppable, pig-headed style forged ahead, and b/c she could say no to his stupidity, blonded forward as well. anyhoo, long story short, thats one(actually 2 japanese straighteners, b/c the first didnt take, damn stupid first straightener company); so singalong campers...

2 japanese straighteners,lots and lots of lifts, colors, high lifts, bleach, peroxide, spermicidal lubricant, 3 french toast, 4 whoring byrds(brit slang for gash,you know,dames,broads,skirts, pains in the arse,), 5 golden( just in case its another 6 year wait for a journal entry, although this is NOT a journal entry, b/c i, vic am writing it, not the Boss, so the little xmas ditty, should about cover me, i mean the Boss, until january....2013)...uh ...blonde hair, that i,i mean the Boss, wears so magnificently. so you see, you moronic, idiotheaded, stupid morons, i am not a complete hair schmuck. oh, like you people have to contend with ADD, OCPD, histrionic, narcissistic, and borderline personality, with thyroid and blood sugar issues, do you? no you dont, but the Boss does, good lord, he should be sainted, what a wonderful human being, not like that goddamn phony, mother teresa(sidebar:see christopher hitchens, vanity fair author, for what a douchebag, hypocrite, and master of the P.R. machine she is)(see how the Boss slid in an A.V. selection. damn he's good).

anyhoo, seeing as how you have tried the Boss's patience, hurt his feelings, and made him cry like a schoolgirl with a skinned knee, the least you can do is, buy him lots of cool stuff for his B'day. obviously, he in no way would be that shameless to solicit said gifts for himself... again. so the official birthday gift for the Boss (unofficialy of course) is as follows:
1. hookers and hookettes gift cards
2. fantasy-themed daggers and swords (not historical). you can go to any cool sword site on your local computer
3. "Evil-looking" T-shirts in black, size 2XL with a design on both front and back (he will not wear single-sided T-shirts)single sided shirts are dumb
4. Classic rock compilation CDs. This request is very specific. He states "only music that is live or a different version and only HITS, no bullshit deep cuts or store bought crap." and when i say hits, i mean popular songs, not that bullshit pretentious horsecrap that jericho listens too. stuff you think he'll like from watching him on tv, will go in the circular file under S, for shit.
5. Frank Shamrock fights, ONLY on DVD.
(He is also still looking for Sakuraba matches that are from Pride 16 on. We had found these on computer files, but he only wants them on DVD, so we are back to the drawing board. This can include any Grand Prix and pro-wrestling matches up to 2004.). he has post 2004
6. Premade Raven-style ring coats in size 2XL, or if you are interested in making him coats, send him a drawing to his mail box and if its good enough, perhaps he will purchase it and/or more of them. he gots to look funky fresh, yo!
7. New tool belt and tools. the Boss has found his inner bob vila, and has been taking antibiotics ever since. by the way does anyone else agree, that the allen wrench is the biggest piece of wasted fucktard invention ever
8. bludgeons and maces, as in old school weaponry to adorn the walls of chez Boss.
they can be historical, but no historical swords
9. if sending dvds, send receipts, so he can return them if your taste in dvds ..uh.. whats the word .. ah yes..SUX ASS
10.do not send any comics. there are none he need. his collection is complete and he only buys new ones now. in fact i am going to the comic book store right now. its wednesday! YAY!, the Boss will be so excited.
now get out there and buy the Boss gifts, you maggots! no time to dilly-dally, only 16 shopping days, and time waits for no man, unless of course you are approaching the speed of light and then magically, time does slow down. why just the other day i was discussing quantum physics...blah, blah, blahity, blah, blah.....................
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