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raven's blog | december 11, 2007
the following is a blog that is very gay. as everyone knows, i have gay friends and like(or despise) all people equally. but since i was raised in an emotionless house, this stuff feels especially gay to me. not gay as in oooh i want to watch johnny fairplay get sodomized by a gang of aborigines, but the other kind; the cheesy, mushy, crying after the orgasm type, ( i was gonna show the blog to kanyon, but i figured he'd call me a homo, and, i couldnt get ahold of him), nevertheless it is a story, worth telling: (also lodi, i was just kidding, it's perfectly ok to cry after orgasming, at least thats what the toad says is the oprah 411 at the barber shop)
this guy , we'll call him charles got ahold of my personal email address a long time ago and emailed me. it would never get through my rigorous anti-spamming campaign now, but it dd then. he was suicidal. really. ready to plant himself in the stone orchard. and he's a big raven fan. so what do i do. do i ignore it, do i assume he's full of crap, (who emails me when they want to kick the bucket? ), do i let him play william tell on his own adam's apple, (hey, it's his life), do i respond, knowing i'll encourage him to live, but also to continue emailing me, ( what, he could be a phony), or do i assume he's telling thetruth and start up a dialogue with this guy. well i started up a dialogue that has been frustrating and aggravating, when he doesnt listen to advice or his own better judgement, but inspiring and rewarding when he does things he never thought he could. i told him, keep me posted every few months. b/c i'm bad at returning email, i said that i may not return all your letters, but send them anyway and dont take it personal, (once we got past the stupidity of suicide of course), but i will read them and know that i'm out there as a friend, or even simply enough, a connection to the human race, that he never felt apart of. his girl had dumped him, he was broke, no family life, very smart but no money for school, to bright for menial work, which he sucked up and took anyway, and all he could see was darkness. not even lucky enough to be manic depressive, so he could get the occassional mania. no he was straight up doom and gloom.
i got a letter from him back in august that almost broke my heart, but from joy, not from sadness. if everyone reached out or let someone reach out to them, just one person, the world would be a better place, and bush never would have lost 2 elections, yet stil be president for 8 years. i asked if i could share it, and being that it's the time of the year for this sort of stuff, here it is
"I dont have parents to give a damn about such things, but i figured i should tell someone...
I got a certificate in the mail today. It was from school. Apparently I made the Dean's list for last semester, despite all of the chaos going on. It put a smile on my face briefly...
Coda
a friend after reading this felt i needed to add this coda. he said thats it, and yes that is it. to someone without depression, they will never know. charles has gone from wanting to constantly kill himself and not even being able to fathom being a part of society, to someone who found a way to hold down a job, go to school, and make dean's list. stuff the rest of us take for granted. he doesnt and cant. that is life with depression. some weeks you are lucky you can even get out bed. i could not be prouder of him, and i cant believe i almost didnt respond. charles went from a life out of control to a life where charles is in charge.
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