 |
 |
raven's blog stardate dec 31st 2008
well here we are folks, new years eve. this is the last hurrah of 2008, auld lang syne, resolutions central booking. there is a special term bandied about by we who have seen just a little to much action on the frontlines throughout history. we of course meaning the grunts of company D, with the D standing for drunks, . . . or is that druggies . . . . i never could remember . . . . or was it, that i didnt care. hmmm, less importantly, does it really matter anyway? tonight is what we here professionals (even the ones like myself who quit) call Amateur night with a capitol A. or is that a scarlet letter A. no that was for something else. that was from nathaniel hawthorne's literary classic when kermit the frog's wife cheated on him with fozzy bear. first she was branded with a scarlet A and then she was denounced as a horny toad . . . bwahahahahahahahaha
Amateur night is when all the people who go out twice a year like to go out. birthdays and new years are the two biggies for these posers, but that doesnt have to ruin it for the rest of us. Amateurs all think they can drink like dudley moore in arthur which can be either very irritating as they slosh around in their own vomit, while urinating under the bar or you can turn what appears to be negative into a very big positive.
here's how you do it if you want some good holiday cheer. offer one of these morons, i mean jolly folk a drink. yes i know what you are thinking, these people are being pushy, arrogant, drunk, rude, lasicivious, lecherous, etc. all horrible traits unless of course you're the one who's behaving that way and its not a holiday its tuesday; quite a different story then. go up to where the bartenders and the waitresses and the barbacks have their secret corner where they talk about you behind your back for leaving a lousy tip. . . and having a flat ass. well, not all of them talk about you because unfortunately, no one really wants to be a barback, so thats usually where a poor illegal immigrant is hired and more often than not they cant really speak much english, so they just nod their head politely as the bartender and the waitress talk about what a dick you are for leaving a 25 cents tip on a 20.75 drink round. nothing worse than a douchey tipper. regulars would never do that, Amatuers always do that. this actually works in your favor because it wont take much coaxing now for the waitress or bartender to help you in your reindeer games.
you, of course have been tipping like a mensch throughout the night so the waitress is completely ok with your plan, and the bartender is stuck behind the bar, he's always up for frivolities and hijinx. therefore you ask the dicks who are being loud and obnoxious on one of their two big nights a year if you can buy them a drink.
of course, they say arrogantly and now you have the waitress or bartender bring over the piece de' resistance; what us professionals know as "the bar mat shot". now the finish to this story may seem anti-climatic, but it isnt if you hang out with the guy=2 0and his buddies the rest of the night and even better if you can get yourself invited over for new years day football. make sure to get the address that night however, b/c he wont even remember who you are, nor want you over, or leave the couch except to go to the bathroom, where he will spend quality time emptying his insides from the top and the bottom on new years day. in fact his new year's resolution may be to kick your ass, if he can ever sit up straight without having a dizzy spell and dribbling puke down his chin.
first, you must say to him and his friends, the shot i am picking is a bar mat shot and i dont think you should do it. in fact its probably to strong for you. i dont believe in EVER, and i mean EVER slipping something in someone's drink. i dont believe in not telling someone what they are about to do, but here is the best part, a) in their own arrogance they will still probably want to try this fabulous concoction even after you warn them off, and b) all it is is liquor. there are no narcotics, drugs, or anything out of the normal so if they are already drinking, all they are is drinking more.
then why, why you ask are the results so devastating (devastatingly funny)? it's simple. a bar mat shot consists of whatever liquors have overflowed from the bartenders drink pours, cheap stuff, worse stuff, stuff you never heard of, its basically an amalgamation of the entire evening's liquors, beers, wines, sodas, limes, lemons, etc. the mat is picked up, bent to an angle poured into a shaker, maybe shaken, maybe not, and then poured into large shot glasses for all your new friends. oooh yummy. you know how some things cure hangovers, this one causes them.
Amateur night is very dangerous. there are a lot of drunks out there driving and a lot more stupid people doing stupid things than usual. make sure if you give your new friends a bar mat shot that they dont drive home.
also lets not forget, "no" means "no", unless by "no" they mean, yeah i "know" i can drive. then by all means relieve them of their keys, even if you have to steal their keys or you have to get the bouncer too.
and of course that adds to the fun, b/c then on new years day, the Amateurs have to find a way to sit up straight, stop evacuating themselves, fight off their hangover to take a cab back to the bar to pick their car up.
see the fun never ends. happy holidays
the Boss in effect . . . Lemon Out
BACK TO MAIN BLOG PAGE | BACK TO THERAVENEFFECT.COM MAIN PAGE
|
|  |
|
|
