Full Contact Chess - Toyfare - January 2000

FULL CONTACT CHESS
By Raven
Toyfare

Gordon Solie, the dean of professional wrestling, was famous for saying that wrestling was like human chess. Of course, he meant that as if wrestling was a shoot, or a legitimate contest. However, I think it still applies even though wrestling is sports entertainment, except it’s a contest between the wrestler and the audience as opposed to the wrestler and his opponent. The challenge is convincing the audience of what they want to see, so that when you do something else, it gets the appropriate roar. (Of course, that’s a very simplistic explanation, but they only gave me 600 words to write this damn article.)

I started playing chess recently, and even though Bobby Fischer won’t be coming out of retirement anytime soon, I can still whup anyone in the locker room, including Hak, a.k.a. the Sandman. Sandman has probably played about 10,000 games of chess and is quite adept at it. However, he is also a known idiot who has probably killed more brain cells through extracurricular activities than I have. The only real competition is Sonny Onoo and that’s because he’s Oriental. (What? You thought this article was going to be politically correct?)

Anyway, what does this have to do with toys, which is what this magazine is about? Well, I’ve decided DC Comics and Marvel Comics should put out chess sets. The hard part is deciding which pieces should be who. Since I’m extremely lazy, I didn’t feel like figuring out separate sets for both companies, so I decided to make it DC vs. Marvel. Let them cooperate on the making of the game and split the fiduciary dividends 40/40 ... I’ll take 20% for the effort.

Obviously, the Marvel king would have to be Galactus. For DC, I’m going with the Spectre. Hmmm ... the first part wasn’t so hard. I may be done with this article before I reach Sioux City, where I have to wrestle tonight. I’m driving the car 90 mph in a thunderstorm with a tornado watch while trying to write this because Hak, my co-pilot, is too passed out to drive after attempting to drink the city of Omaha under the table. I, on the other hand, know when enough is enough and went to bed nice and early at 8:00 a.m.

Back to the lecture at hand. For the queens, I have to go with Wonder Woman and Jean Grey, a.k.a. Dark Phoenix. For my bishops — who give advice to the king — I gave Marvel Reed Richards and Professor Xavier. For DC, I assigned the Phantom Stranger and Batman. For my knights, I’ve chosen an eclectic bunch: DC’s John Constantine and Swamp Thing, and for Marvel, Thor and Cyclops. For my rooks - or castles — I think I have to go with Oracle’s Clock Tower and the JLA’s Watchtower. I also go with Asgard and the Baxter Building for Marvel.

I’d like to elaborate some more on my selections, but my 600 words are drawing near, and I still have to go over the pawns. For Marvel and DC these are my eight pawns:

Marvel

  • The Thing
  • Daredevil
  • Spider-Man
  • Iron Man
  • Man-Thing
  • Prince Namor
  • Karnak
  • Doctor Strange

 DC

  • Jack Knight
  • Nightwing
  • Deadman
  • Johnny Quick
  • Warlord
  • Mister Miracle
  • Doctor Fate
  • Green Lantern [Kyle Rayner]
So there it is. In the final analysis, I’m not sure who would win. I’m a little partial myself to DC, especially Batman and the supernatural types. However, with Galactus as your king, Marvel’s going to be tough to beat. But I know this: Whichever side Hak plays, I can beat him with the other. Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Professional wrestler Raven also enjoys pottery, knitting and basket-weaving. Pansy.

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