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Wake Up, Saturn! - Pro Wrestling Illustrated - October 1999
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WAKE UP, SATURN!
“NICE GUY” RAVEN’S STILL PLAYING WITH YOUR HEAD!
By Dave Rosenbaum
Perry Saturn and Raven have been a successful tag team since they reunited. But what’s in this for Raven, and what’s in it for Saturn? The answer seems clear: everything for Raven, nothing for Saturn.
Wasn’t he trying to get away from this guy?
Well, that’s what everybody thought last fall, when Perry Saturn defeated Raven to supposedly liberate himself and the rest of Raven’s Flock. Saturn wanted to get as far away from Raven as possible, and when he finally succeeded, the wrestling world breathed a sigh of relief. After all, slavery was outlawed in the United States a long time ago.
Then again, what do you expect from a man who wears a dress? And we’re not talking about one of those Roddy Piper dresses; it’s a kilt. What Saturn wears is a dress.
Heck, maybe he thinks it goes with nicely with his emerald-green eyes.
Then again, maybe Saturn’s just out of this world. Like maybe he’s from Saturn . . . the planet. Maybe it’s not Raven who was out of his mind all this time.
The evidence is overwhelming: Perry Saturn doesn’t know what he wants. That night he lost to Chris Jericho at Souled out and had to wear a dress for 90 days? Remember how he complained about that match? He told us the referee, Scott Dickinson, had it in for him. “I’m not the type to whine, but I shouldn’t have to wear no dress because of some fast count,” he said.
Well, more than 90 days after he first put on the dress, Saturn was still wearing it. He refused to take it off.
Weird.
And now he’s back with Raven, his old nemesis, the man he tried so hard to get away from. Not only are they together, but at Slamboree ’99, they won the WCW World tag team title in a three-way match against the teams of Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko and Rey Mysterio Jr. and Billy Kidman. They’re also fighting off the Horsemen. And hanging out together.
“Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Arn Anderson of the Horsemen. “But let me tell you something: There’s a weakness there, and we’re gonna get at it. Let’s see how together Raven and Saturn are when we really start dishing out the punishment. If you ask me, Saturn’s in this for real, but Raven’s the one we can go after, because once we put them in a position where Raven has to make a choice, I know who he’ll choose: himself. And that’s when that team falls apart.
Raven seemed like a different man when he returned from his three-month sabbatical. Prior to the layoff, he seemed trapped in a manic-depressive fog. Noted psychoanalyst Dr. Sidney M. Basil opined that Raven was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. When Raven returned to the ring, he seemed more upbeat. The fans quickly sided with him. So did Saturn, who discovered a kinder gentler Raven.
Still, one has to wonder: What’s really going on there?
“Three months is too short a time for a person to change, if change is possible at all,” Dr. Basil said. “From my point of view, Raven has deep-seeded issues that go all the way back to his childhood, which is the source of most adult psychological problems. Perhaps those three months away from the ring gave him a fresher perspective on life and allowed him to think things through, but a man who tries to solve deep psychological problems in three months is much like an alcoholic who slams down his last drink and says, ‘That’s it, I’m never taking another.’ These problems are not so easily cured. In my opinion, it’s only a matter of time before the old Raven resurfaces. He has to. The old Raven is hidden just slightly below the surface.”
If he’s hidden at all. Perhaps the old Raven isn’t even a few months away. Perhaps he’s already there: using Saturn, playing with his mind, getting Saturn to do what he wants him to do, such as helping him win the WCW World tag team title.
“No doubt, the old Raven was effective for a while in The Flock, but all of his cronies eventually turned against him,” said a WCW insider. “Perhaps Raven realized that his old methods of control weren’t working, so he decided to try a more subtle means of mind control. In other words, rather than being so overt about controlling Saturn, he’s doing it in a milder way. Saturn is still his puppet, but the strings are invisible. Invisible to everyone, that is, except Raven.”
If true, this is a frightening prospect for Saturn. On the one hand, he’ll never be his own man. He’ll always be under Raven’s control. On the other hand, he’ll never realize he’s under Raven’s control. There is no Flock to make it obvious. There’s only this one question. How could Raven have changed so quickly?
Dr. Basil’s answer: He couldn’t have.
As for Saturn, he’s too confused to realize what’s going on. He’s a man who’s wearing a dress . . . and loving it. He’s like the abused wife who keeps going back to her abusive husband.
In this unusual circumstance, not just one man needs to be cured. Both men need to be cured.
But only one man – Raven – is doing the damage.
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