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Raven's Log
Stardate: 3.24.04
Listening to Simon Diamond drone on about his pathetic attempts to impress me with his Al Bundy-like recollection of his star baseball years in college.
As I write this, I am reminded of a parable about a man in the desert and two sets of footprints that turn into one set of footprints. I'm not sure what this applies to, but Simon is sure boring the hell out of me. In retrospect, I believe the two sets of footprints are his and Swinger's; the one set is Swinger carrying him and the oasis with the nude hoochie girl is Dawn Marie Wilson-Kinney Shoes. I have decided to question Simon Diamond about his love life with his long time paramour, Dawn Marie [who wants me ... bad].
Question: "How long have you two been together?"
Answer: "Six years [editor's note* - who cares?]."
Question: "Who is usually on top?"
Answer: "I'm not gonna tell you my sex life so you can titilate your legions of sycophants."
Question: "How many CC's does Dawn Marie Wilson have in her boobs?"
Answer: "Just the right amount [editor's note - what are you? the three bears?]."
Question: "Who is your favorite opponent?"
Answer: "Tag team or singles?"
Question: "Who cares? Singles?"
Answer: "Jerry Lynn [editor's note: that's because he's never wrestled me]."
Question: "Tag team?"
Answer: "AMW"
Question: "That was boring. Entertain me."
Answer: "Raven, you and your pathetic ADHD [editor's note - or ADD for short] are a cover-up for your myriad sexual deviancies that shine through as you to attempt to revel in the sexual escapades of me and my fiancee [editor's note - she still wants me]. This scheme is nothing more than a sick attempt for you to create some sort of visual for use when you are exercising Mary Fist and her five friends."
Question: "I am appalled at the truth of your statement. In the immortal words of Curly Howard, and I quote, "I resemble that remark." However, being the professional that I am, I will continue with this interview no matter how banal and insipid you may sound. So what do you think of my position on legalizing drugs?"
Answer: "As a right wing conservative, [editor's note - nazi fascist] you cannot legalize drugs."
Question: "Very interesting statement from a former midnight toker."
Answer: "I did not inhale those fifteen times I smoked ... as far as you know."
Question: "Well as long as you didnt inhale -- nevermind, and where was Monica's dress?"
Answer: "I'm a Republican, not a Democrat."
Question: "Do you have anything interesting that you would like to contribute or discuss on the forty or so miles we have left on the ride home?"
Answer: "I will tell you what is going on in my fellow ADHD brain for all those who wonder what goes through an ADHD brain:
1) What time is it? 2:36 am and 34 seconds.
2) This song is pretty cool.
3) I hope the guy doesn't fuck up the order for my baseball team's new pants that I'm getting on Friday.
4) That's a cool looking truck that just drove by.
5) I hope everyone can make the scrimmage game on Saturday.
6) I'm looking forward to working Honky Tonk Man on Saturday night.
7) Wow, I'm tired.
8) What was Raven's last question?
9) Boy, his handwriting is terrible.
10) I can't wait to see Dawn tomorrow [editor's note: neither can I].
11) What time is it? 2:36 am and 35 seconds."
Ladies and germs, I would like to thank our special guest Simon Diamond Dallas Page, except I can't, because I've already fallen asleep due to his inane babbling.
* All Editor's Notes are written by Raven, who is the editor, publisher and chief proprietor of all such ridiculousness. |
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